the things that have been happening and not happening to me recently have rendered my web of relationships with the world weaker and spindlier than it has been in a long time. i told liz not very long ago that i was happy with my life, with where i am, where i am going and the people i have around me. (of course this was not long after what i felt was a favorable round of interviews with GIC.) but now i feel an sour, unfulfilling sense of detachment with everything and everyone around me but jh.
my relationships with liz and grace are not at their best – something i have made clear to liz but not to grace. one is running loose having the time of her life after breaking out of a nearly 2-yr relationship with a rigid boyfriend; another, continuously obsessing about college applications and her many wonderful interviews. both are in a state of excitement, charmed by the promises of a new life. and cow has been preoccupied with preparation for a presentation he just had yesterday, and with the malaysian cultural play that happens this friday.
after prism’s meeting yday, i felt deflatedly talentless, like an intellectual and creative halfwit. when i got home, my parasitic emotional dependence cried out fora thread to tug on, someone to unseat and roll closer to the center of gravity in my web, where i was sinking. i think i wanted some sort of reprieve and rescue, but everyone was too preoccupied with their own problems and i found the only person i could, or would, talk to was jh.
jh: excellent in all things that matter to me. jh who has taught me so much in so little time: sharing with me the pocketholes of humankind that are forced to sub-exist all over KL and cheras, debating about love, life and relationships, cherishing all things beautiful and quirky, throwing light onto things by flinging open the windows of the world, laughing and sighing about all things trivial, down or funny. i am sorry i was so quick to despise him in the beginning for his mind, talents and passions. i feel like i am only now discovering so many things… things that would have rendered me a different person if i had known them earlier.
the inertia of jh’s wisdom and activist tales are beginning to really unseat the comfortable equilibrium i have been resting in… it makes me want to do something. to change the things around me, and in doing so, change myself. krystle the unproductive, krystle the guileless, krystle the unfulfilled. in my last email to cow, i realized that my view of the world has shifted significantly… i couldn’t help wondering at the emergence of the many Malaysian details that i usually consider irrelevant.
at the same time, in the midst of all this self-examination and wonder at the world, i fear the futility of my college applications and financial aid. it worries me that everyone is flustered with the rampant interviews which are now happening everywhere, and i keep feeling like i’ve shortchanged myself by not applying for better schools. this, and i am trying to resist fishing for emotional support from people around me. (from a very sexist standpoint, i think i am almost trying to resist being feminine.) but recent events are teaching me that i should stop relying on others to feel better about myself.
in light of all this, grades are not doing much better and i feel all the more talentless and unproductive. i am wallowing in self-dislike and have neither God nor friend to fish me out of it.
my winds of whither are visiting. they sigh in my ears and tickle my feet cold. i think they started this latest pilgrimage the day GIC’s last email arrived. the inertial force of their whispers beguiling me to jumpstart into motion…
a 3 inch-long cockroach has just upset the gentle occupants of my pink bedroom, and a 5-minute episode of screams and chase has completely unsettled the dignity of my post.