finally picked up enough initiative to revamp the blog a little by moving out of the darkness of the old template. it feels like i’ve just moved out of an alley and into a hotel lobby. it’s silly but i think i was honestly under the impression that my blog was safe in the shade of anonymity just because it was so… black. it’s definitely not much more in the public eye now that it is white, but it feels uncomfortably so.
i began blogging when i was 13. i remember writing my young heart out, trying to be cute and funny. i don’t remember if i was trying to please all my readers, but i did enjoy a decent span of young bloggers’ popularity. when i turned 17 though, i increasingly felt like i no longer had a personal space for my writing. the number of strangers that left messages and links in my flooble chatterbox was flattering, but i could never make up my mind if i completely enjoyed the attention. on the one hand, it felt nice to be a mini-celebrity; on the other, i didn’t feel like being as open. my writing became opaque. i drew on strange poetry-like syntax to avoid clarity of thought. i used metaphors to obscure my emotions. at the same time, so much of my writing became navel-gazing that it made me feel claustrophobic.
ultimately, i decided that if i was going to navel-gaze i would at least do it privately. i started a blog privy only to myself, cow and a few best friends. there, i could be as honest and transparent as i wanted without fearing judgment. i could rage about my insecurities, mope around in depression, experiment with my writing and ask stupid questions without worrying about the answers i would receive. sadly, this later led to complications anyway. when cow and i started falling out with each other, i found that neither blog was sufficient for expressing myself anymore. i needed space not only from the public, but also from him. it was at this time that untold untruth was created.
untold untruth has long since outlived its original purpose. i have nothing to hide from him anymore. at the same time, i have nothing more to hide from Z either, who knows enough now. some friends have been reading this for a while and i like keeping them up to speed on my life. still, i am uncomfortable with the idea of trying to redefine the original purpose of this blog. for whom do i write now?
my old blog has long since fallen into disrepair. Z recently logged in to write a post there and change the layout, as a mark of sealing off my past. i wonder at what point did i move on from this blog’s original purpose, and whether i should have created a new one for my current purposes instead of trying to revamp this one. perhaps it is this which i am most uncomfortable with. my past is still lurking in the backlog of untold untruth and it undermines the idea that i am truly starting afresh.
though i guess all fresh starts are illusions, anyway.