joyless necessities

just spent the better half of my day on my letter of motivation for the third year. while this is probably the nine millionth time i am writing an application essay for anything, it is the first time i’ve ever realised how joyless an activity it actually is. i always feel like i’m cling-wrapping myself up for an impersonal jury to examine, the true intensity of my desire to be successful in my application like a bunch of quivering innards snapped in place so that i may look clinically presentable.

the worst of it is that each time i write one, it is because i am motivated enough to want that something to put myself through such agony. oh the silliness of self-inflicted pain! i don’t want to want something this much. after all, is the act of submission to such a parade worth it if in the end you do not get what you want? yet, what becomes of people who abstain from desiring anything?


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