nerves

it is 7.44 in the morning and it is pouring outside. i have just sent off ankita and even though the two of us have only had about 2.5 hours of sleep and i’m still dizzy from the fatigue, i am unable to go back to bed. my nerves are tingling. the weekend has been a whole series of unexpected events one after another and the developments have left me jumpy and awake at this ungodly hour of the morning. i am excited and afraid. something fresh has cropped up in my garden and i am unsure as to what to do with this new arrival. i both want to keep it and to weed it out at the same time and this limbo between now and a decision is proving to be excruciatingly distracting. i want to run, to scream, to laugh… to fly off a bridge and launch myself into sea or something, anything, equally insane and cathartic. i want to be lit on fire or to jump before a car, to test the lion’s jaws and to laugh in tears of relief after it all. my heart, mind and body want to take me to a thousand different directions, but as it is i am anchored by this immovable pint of sensibility which is whispering: wait.

the air is cold, damp and electric. i am a thousand nerves set aflame, but i think i will try to be sensible for once and, yes, wait.

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