finals and finales

it has been difficult for me to write lately. things have been a large muddy whirl since i got back from Prague and i have not yet returned to a truly relaxed state of mind. during the past 3 weeks, i got caught up with the Sciences Po IV, got whisked away to Nancy for the Minicrit, had a giddy sequence of fall-outs and make-ups with friends and andreas, and am now smack in the middle of our finals (truly the finals, this being the last exam i will ever take in this rabbit-hole of a campus). and this wave of preoccupation doesn’t end just yet. tomorrow morning  i’m leaving right after my french politics exam for the Paris IV, whose finals (the very variation i actually want to attend) i will be missing to come back early to LH for a final (of course, we all have priorities and this is the most important version) gathering of friends over dinner. next week will begin with history which i haven’t started on yet and then the Gala will truly mark the end of this academic year and chapter of my life.

it all feels so swift, abrupt and inappropriate. people are organizing final dinners and final get-togethers in the midst of our final exams and this yoyo-ing between two very different phenomenons (goodbyes and grades) confuses me. i can’t devote my state of mind to either of them. i’m suddenly reluctant to leave. i’m afraid i won’t be able to do my farewells properly. beyond the immediate urgency of les institutions politiques européennes tomorrow morning and the Paris IV, i still need to sort out my personal belongings, pack/ship/throw/donate/sell everything and sort out plans and packing for a possible trip to Brussels. i have this impending fear that i will miss out on hugging some of my special friends goodbye, that i will become so distracted during this extended period of finalities that everyone will become a series of indistinguishable faces and everything will transform from drippy sentimentality to weary indifference…

things need to slow down. or rather, i need to take over the wheel and get back into gear.  one shouldn’t stay in the backseat of such rides to the end. the sights and sounds of life wash by rather too fast and meaninglessly from the view of a backseat window.

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